Loneliness is one of the most universal sources of human suffering today. Psychiatrists and clinical psychologists speak about it as the most frequently expressed complaint and the root not only of an increasing number of suicides but also of alcoholism, drug use, different psychosomatic symptoms-such as, headaches, stomach and low-back pains-and of a large number of traffic accidents. Children, adolescents, adults and old people are in growing degree exposed to the contagious disease of loneliness in a world in which a competitive individualism tries to reconcile itself with a culture that speaks about togetherness, unity and community as the ideals to strive for.
Why is it that many parties and friendly get-togethers leave us so empty and sad? Maybe even there the deep-seated and often unconscious competition between people prevents them from revealing themselves to each other and from establishing relationships that last longer than the party itself. Where we are always welcome, our absence won’t matter that much either and when everyone can come, nobody will be particularly missed. Usually there is food enough and people enough willing to eat it, but often it seems that the food has lost the power to create community and not seldom do we leave the party more aware of our loneliness than when we came.
The language we use suggests anything but loneliness:
“Please come in, it is so good to see you … Let me introduce you to this very special friend of mine, who will love to meet you . . . I have heard so much about you and I can’t say how pleased I am to see you now in person . . . What you are saying is most interesting, I wish more people could hear that … It was so great to talk to you and to have a chance to visit with you . . . I dearly hope we will meet again. Know that you are always welcome and don’t hesitate to bring a friend … Come back soon.”
It is a language that reveals the desire to be close and receptive but that in our society sadly fails to heal the pains of our loneliness, because the real pain is felt where we can hardly allow anyone to enter.
The roots of loneliness are very deep and cannot be touched by optimistic advertisement, substitute love images or social togetherness. They find their food in the suspicion that there is no one who cares and offers love without conditions, and no place where we can be vulnerable without being used. The many small rejections of every day-a sarcastic smile, a flippant remark, a brisk denial or a bitter silence-may all be quite innocent and hardly worth our attention if they did not constantly arouse our basic human fear of being left totally alone with “darkness . . . [ as our] one companion left” (Psalm 88).
~ Adapted from Henri J.M. Nouwen, Reaching Out: the Three Movements of the Spiritual Life
